What To Do With Art-Break
Even on good days sometimes I just feel art-broken. With so much disaster constantly afoot in the world I am well aware of the abundant blessings in my life. Each day I feel immense gratitude for the roof over my head, healthy food, a job that I love, healthy family, my own health and more. However, my desire to make art and contribute art is a spiritual longing that I can’t deny and sometimes I feel heartbroken by how long it has been since I last “loved.” Since I last sang in public, since I last worked towards recording an album of new original music, since I last expressed myself so fully, since I last felt that commune with like minded musicians and audience.
I know I am not the only one. After a year of such devastating loss in the art world both financially and in terms of human lives I know many feel the yearning of our lost connections. While online concerts have been an option they cannot replace the connection of that mysterious, unnameable thing that happens when music is felt and experienced in real time with other humans in the same space. It’s something that can’t go on pause and can’t be repeated. (That’s why I call it “living music”).
But yesterday I realized that I have been carrying a sadness with me for a while now. A loneliness due to the fact that it has been hard for me to live up to the childhood dreams I had of being a successful, independent artist. (You can hear more about my experience with this in this recently aired podcast on Make More Music). However, my child self didn’t know about the adult challenges of carrying music and myself, of nurturing music and nurturing my relationships, of being able to get the rest and food that I need and also being fully available for the students that I love. Music feels too big and demanding at times.
I wonder “Do I deserve to be here?”, “Am I supposed to be here?” I know if I were talking to one of my students I would say “Most definitely! YES!” But I also need reminding from time to time. And that’s when I remember that having a talk with myself, including my shadow self, is warranted because maybe just maybe a part of me enjoys feeling lonely and like an outsider. Maybe a part of me enjoys this feeling of missed opportunities. (For those that don’t know her work author, teacher Carolyn Elliot refers to this as Existential Kink). I mean sad songs are kind of addictive! Similarly, when you see the same patterns repeating themselves in your life you have to wonder “Does some part of me actually like this?”
So if you, like me, have been experiencing some tugs on your heart strings, maybe you just need to indulge in this sad song of art-break, like a good cry, until you feel ready to move on. There’s something delicious about diving into the pain and sorrow of a sad song right? It’s actually one of the things I love about singing. I love to sing about longing and I think that’s because it is a huge part of our existence as human beings. There are always people, places, activities, experiences we are longing for. A desire for connection, for love, to be wanted, to be understood, to feel contentment. But alas all the good and the bad is always changing and so we are only left with impermanence.
So what do you do with your art break? I haven’t fully figured it out but I can tell you what I am working on currently. Mix two parts meditation with one part visualization, add in one dose of negative thought releasing practice and pull a tarot card or some form of divination for good measure. Finally write, draw, sing, dance and witness your art-break start to transform.
Send me a comment and tell me how you nurture an art-broken heart.